Anger and connection

Many times, I have chosen to not be very personal and vulnerable about my life online. At this moment, I feel different.

I want to share with you an incident I had with my husband(-to-be) Pete, when I made myself angry at him and sad with him. It concerned a topic that I’d expressed anger and sadness about before. So, my little inner critique said I should be so over it. I wasn’t.

Pete is now participating in a three-year-long training that I also really wanted to do. I had a scheduling conflict: the training began immediately after my two weeks of holidays abroad with a friend so the weeklong training would mean me being away from my son for almost three weeks apart from my son. I prioritized being with my son. And, at the same time, I really wanted to do the training and share that experience and learning with Pete.

When I spoke with Pete on Skype, I noticed I was sad and angry. I allowed myself to yell and scream and cry. I felt like a six-year-old stamping her feet on the floor. And I said that I felt that way and that I will just be that way. I felt free to express myself even if I told myself that Pete might not like it. Writing this now, I have tears in my eyes. I’m making myself feel sad thinking about all those times as a child when I didn’t stamp my feet and yell and cry. I was usually quiet, shy, well-behaved and reserved. Not much trouble. A so-called “good girl.”

Pete also got angry expressed his resentment toward me for looking away and for crying. I heard him. I felt he heard me, too, and was willing to hear everything I wanted to say and yell. Including when I told him: “Fuck you.”

Then I felt less angry and less sad. After a few minutes, I didn’t feel angry or sad anymore. I felt close to Pete. I feel powerful at this moment. I imagine I have chosen a partner who’s willing to remain present with me, to share with me and to hear me when things get “tough” and “uncomfortable.” I make myself happy thinking about many other people in my life who don’t run away, who listen/share and who won’t try to problem-solve stuff for me. I’m healing myself with these people in my life. And I feel a lot of love towards my extended family of friends and loves ones.