Are you ready to talk about shame?

Today I want to be personal.

What am I ashamed about?

Get your popcorn out.

At times I am ashamed that I am divorced. I went into my first marriage with the thought that I will remain in that relationship forever. Sometimes I am ashamed that I don’t have a traditional family: me, my partner and one or two kids together. I have my son and my current husband Pete has his son. My ex-husband has our son in his family, his partner and her two kids. Pete’s ex-wife has their son, a husband and a toddler with her husband. Part of my close circle are also my best friend and her husband and my former mother-in-law and my former sister-in-law and her family – a husband and two daughters.

The broad family is at times richness and many (maybe most) times also causes hassle, scheduling issues, disagreements and less couple time than I prefer. It means that my husband’s ex-wife and her family and even extended family are part of my life.

Sometimes when Pete and I are talking about the kids (both of our sons), I like how it sounds like we have children together. We don’t, though. That is something I used to make myself sad by thinking about. I also don’t like explaining to people how we don’t live together full time as not a choice of having space but rather a choice of us putting the children (and what we believe is best for them) first. At times I feel “Me! Me! Me!” and want to be first, regardless of any kids.

This is something about myself I don’t always like sharing. Sometimes I wish I had done my personal work when I was younger and had been more relax, open, honest, vulnerable and independent in a healthy way (rather than the co-dependent behaviors I used in my marriage and earlier relationships). I imagine I could be still in my first marriage and happy if I had done my personal work earlier. When my ex told me that he had been lying to me and was in a sexual relationship with someone else, I had no interest of trying to make things work. I was angry, raged, unforgiving and panicky about finances and the thought of a future of my son living in two households.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for all that happened. I now appreciate my ex-husband for having cheated on me. I am who I am now and learned along the way. I am more happy, balanced and free in my marriage with Pete than I ever thought could be possible. I congratulate myself every day for doing my work for me to be this happy and content. I congratulate Pete every day for doing the work with himself and his work together with me.

Our happy relationship did not fall from heaven nor were we a “perfect match.” I judge we are just two people who have been willing to stay when things get tough and painful, who have been willing to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions and our own healing. We have agreed to stay present when we want to escape and we have agreed to ongoingly share own secrets. We have agreed to tell about shameful things or things we fear the other might feel angry or hurt about. We say out loud that neither of us needs to be perfect and both of us has right to be unreasonable with the other. And we prefer to say all that out loud.

What are you ashamed about? 
When do you feel shaky or unsure?

When do you judge others look better, know better, have better lives, careers, relationships or greater ability to learn/ relax / meditate /be honest / do personal work?

Did you do your personal work to heal and be happy?

Love,
Tuulia