Confession: I would rather not share it…

Recently my anxiety lifted its head. Like a guest who has been long gone and somehow always around the corner.

I was in Mallorca having a holiday with Pete after the 8-Day Intensive.

We were walking around in the old town of Alcúdia.
A lovely seaside town with a historical center.

We stopped to see a very interesting archaeological site just outside of the old city walls, the old Roman City of Pollentia.
It was founded 123 BC.

Sun was shining very strongly. ☀️
I was sweaty.
My armpits were soaking.

After seeing the excavation Pete and I wanted to have lunch and headed to the old town.

I enjoyed walking on the cobble store streets and seeing the old building.
We sat down in the outdoor seating area of a nice restaurant and ordered fish.
I was curious to see people around me: a Spanish family with two grown up kids, a couple with their mobile phone and a Chinese family with smaller kids making a bit of a mess.

As time went past I noticed starting to feel unrest.
The food was taking longer than I had expected and I started to feel worried we won’t be in time for the check-in in our holiday home.

I was getting anxious.
Noticing racing thoughts, increased heartbeat, shaky hands.
Unpleasant sensations throughout my body.
I did not manage to enjoy my food or the nice square we were located at.

I messaged that we were late and got a response.
I still felt uneasy and anxious about being later than originally agreed.
We rushed to the car.

The whole 1,5 hour drive I felt a bit anxious and struggled to enjoy the exceptional mountain views and winding roads.

We got there. We checked in.
Nobody died.
The lady waiting for us most likely was not too pleased about the delay and was still very nice and professional about it.

A week later we were starting to make our way to the airport. ✈️
I started to feel anxious about driving to the airport.
Remembering the busy traffic, three lanes full of cars driving fast.
My heart was racing.

I have driven that road many times.
And felt anxious most times.

Pete agreed to drive.
I felt more relaxed.

Then…
I started to feel anxious about him making the flight on time after dropping off the car to the rental agency which was outside of the airport (I was staying longer on the island for my training – without a car).

Phew!
So many things to feel anxious about.
So called “little stuff”.
Being on time.
Busy traffic.

I have not felt that much anxiety for a while.
I have a hard time welcoming feeling anxious.

I notice an increased heart beat writing this.
And I want to normalize feeling anxious, worried, low or depressed.
Most of us have these unpleasant feelings.
I do not want to feel shame about being anxious.
I do not want you to shame yourself for your anxiety, fear, worry or depression.

These emotions and sensations might be part of us and they are not.
They also come and go, and change in intensity.

When was the last time you felt anxious?
How was it for you?

Love,
Tuulia (& Pete) ❤️