Pete’s and Tuulia’s Six Tips for juicy relationship

I love (and sometimes hate!) working with couples.

In my experience too many couples start to work on their issues only when shit really hits the fan.

Meaning they have said too many hurting words and have not listened each other for too long.
Warmth, physical touch and sex has maybe disappeared or lessened.

And still: closest relationships offer a vital mirror to see ourselves, our deepest wounds and give an opportunity to have replacing loving experiences.
Opportunities to heal.
To be seen.
And heard.

Sometimes the couple has allowed things to go so far that both parties have a tough time trusting each other and trying to see the good in the other.
Even wanting to forgive has gone missing.

Taking responsablity of our own action and words can be hard.
Been there! (many times)

I work with couples who are struggling and have a hard time finding their way back to loving connection.
Some succeed, some decide to break up.
Some realize they want different things and loving each other is not enough.

Then I work with some couples who have a respectful loving connection and they want to make sure they keep it going.
I celebrate that!
I think relationship health is worth as much as personal physical and emotional health.

I want to make sure that Pete and I are one of those couples who maintain relationhip health rather than mainly put off fires and deal with crises.
To let things get “too far” often leads to tough fights and painful words. Blaming.

I want us to ongoingly prioritize and maintain our relationship by real listening, sharing, being present to each other, having fun, addressing challenging topics and checking in what we both want. ❤️

Our key tools for maintaining healthy relationship are

1. Regular sharings – learning to listen

I love the concept of 3,5 or 10 minute sharing. That is such a great way to stay updated on what is alive for the other. And a great way to learn to listen without fixing, helping or offering opinions.

2. Using healthy ways to express anger

We are both committed to staying present when anger arises and expressing it in the way that separates actual emotional expression from stories.

The main point for us is to use our tools to notice what happens in us, sticking with the facts and allowing the right volume and expression. In this way the emotional wave comes and goes and we can let go of the anger. And even let go of the wish to be right! That one is tricky and vital.

3. Exercising the beauty of forgiving and apologizing

Sometimes letting go and forgiving is hard for us (and maybe for you too!).
And I believe a mindset of willing to go and move on is vital.
This can include verbalizing things like “I have hard time forgiving you” or “I believe I am right” or “I want to blame you”. Saying those things out loud has often given me ability to let go and have a bit of lightness in the situation.
Also apologizing and owning up is something we do. I judge I am not always as fast as Pete owning up stuff and eventually I get there and have the adult self online again rather than the small hurt kid into which I go sometimes.

4. Ensuring enough couples time ⌚

For me, quality time together without distractions is really important. I feel loved and important when Pete wants to spend time with me without schedule or do something new together.
For me this is a no-brainer: how could we feel close and connected if we do not spend enough time together and update who we are and what we want day to day?

During our couples time we walk and answer from the questions cards, talk and eat, play dice games and watch movies. Sometimes we go out to eat and to movies. Or hike together!
We also have a new hobby: paired dancing! That gives us physical exercise and bodily contact and excitement (& frustration) of learning something new together!

5. Enjoying physical touch, closeness and sexuality

I tend to say that touch and sex is a glue between partners.
For us sexual connection means fun, at times slowness and at times fast.
I think it is important to find your way to enjoy each other’s bodies and presence.

For us dancing together before getting sexy works well.
Another key point is becoming aware of what we want and do not want and verbalizing in moment to moment.
I also like humor during sex! Laughter. Sex is not that serious.
Nor is life.

6. Having fun and not taking yourself too seriously

In the past retreat participants used the wording “goofing around” and I really like it!
I want fun and playfullness in my relationship.
I judge we have it most of the time. Laughing and having our own (often naughty) jokes.

I like that I have learned (slowly) taking myself less seriously.
Pete has been a great teacher in that.

Few questions for you:

How is this list for you?
Anything you would add from your experience?

Is there anything that is particularly talking to you about the points I made?

I wish you the best for your relationship!

Love,
Tuulia (& Pete) ❤️