Are you also hooked on intensity?

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship that has unhealthy components yet the pull is really strong?

How to get over the emotionally intensive and collacoaster kind of relationship / connection?
These connections are exciting and intensive and dramatic, yet not maybe very safe or grounded.

My answer: That’s tricky, yet possible.

How to disengage from and “get over” someone whom we feel a strong attraction and sexual excitement towards? 

What to do when our mature self says “This isn’t good for me” while another part says: “Yes! Exciting! I’m so alive!“?

Many of us have experienced some kind of compulsion with another person. Being “crazy” about someone. Like an addiction.

I have had my share of that: a relationship that was both very exciting and very volatile. Huge highs and terrible lows.

I tried very hard to please that partner.

When that relationship was working, I felt incredible.
On top of the world.

And when the relationship wasn’t working, I felt horrible. ☹️
Big fights. Making up. Conflict. Hot sex.
Moments of intense connection followed by periods of extreme disconnection.

Many times of miscommunication and both of us feeling not heard or seen.

Eventually, the fun, happy, connecting, exciting times were not enough to compensate for the times when I felt misunderstood, unseen, not good enough, feeling I needed to be different.

I’m not claiming my partner at the time had created this in me.
I had been an active party in that relationship. We had co-created the drama together—and we relived it over and over again.

He was like my harsh and absent dad, with his past of frequent flirting with others and having affairs.

Meanwhile, I was like my partner’s mom, someone not to be fully trusted. She said she will go for a coffee with a female friend and stepped into the car of a lover in secrecy while the little boy saw it all and stayed silent.

He and I talked about this and recognized some patterns from each of our pasts. Nevertheless, we were unable to prevent ourselves from boarding that roller coaster again and again.

That relationship lasted for about three years, with several breakups and reconciliations. In the end, I realized I just didn’t want to ride that rollercoaster anymore.

I was exhausted.

Even so, months after the last breakup, I asked him if maybe we should try again. He said no, we would just hurt ourselves again.
Which was probably true. And I appreciate him for saying that.

That was more than 11 years ago.
I felt hurt during the breakup and saw no other way, I could not feel happy and even more so grounded and content enough of the time. I had lost the trust that he has my back.
And I was not there for him in the way he wanted.

He and I have since talked and told each other what we were still sad and angry about and what we appreciated each other for.
I feel complete with him now and can access love and gratitude for the whole experience I’d had with him.

I judge that what he and I had—and what many turbulent relationships have—is a bonding through similar traumas.

In that person with whom we are infatuated, we recognize something from our childhood / past which was in some way unhealthy for us. For example, a parent who wasn’t very present so we did sing and dance to get their attention and approval. Or an unpredictable parent from whom we never knew what to expect so we walked on eggshells around them.

In that way, I think we are subconsciously trying to heal what is not yet healed from our childhood with this new person, “the man / woman / person of my dreams.”

Unfortunately, oftentimes we tend to repeat those unhealthy patterns in such relationships and thus don’t heal.

I believe healing and feeling loved as we are comes when we are in safe and stable relationships.
Or when we choose to end a non-functioning relationship and take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, stable relationships can feel less exciting yet they can be deeply nurturing to us. 
In a stable grown up relationship we don’t need to prove to be worthy of the partners love or we’re allowed to be imperfect.

I think my relationship with Pete is safe and stable. At the same time, I find our time together to be rewarding and many times exciting. Exciting in terms of what we do, how we talk and what we are willing to look at and work on.

Our relationship is not exciting in the way of pleas of: “Do you still love me? Please please love me!” or “Just tell me how you want me to be!“

I’ve learned I can create and maintain excitement that isn’t the result of fear of abandonment, one or both of us expecting the other to be different, ceaseless bickering, etc. I can create excitement that is more about deepening intimacy, making myself vulnerable, learning new things about myself and Pete and our relationship and so on.

So going back to the original question: How can one get over an emotionally intense dramatic relationship?

A few things come to mind:

1. Consider your values and must-haves in a relationship ✅
Be clear and remind yourself what are non-negotiable values or ways of being for you in a relationship. Which one of these did not happen in your relationship?

2. Reflect on: Are you mostly happy or unhappy? ⚖️

Are you—or were you—too much of the time unhappy, sad, anxious, feeling not good enough or trying to please?
In my opinion, life is too short to spend time being in an unhappy relationship.

3. Find a way to lovingly depart

Tell your partner openly what you are sad and angry about in the past relationship. Notice if you can access, experience and get over some of those emotions. Can you also access some appreciation? Share that with them, too. Find a way to say to yourself and to the other something like: “I’m grateful for our good times and I don’t want to have this kind of connection / relationship with you anymore. Thank you. I love you. [If that’s true for you.] Good bye.”

4. Ask for help

Call or meet a friend when you are struggling or having an impulse to contact or get back together with your ex. Find supportive people for you and talk to a friend or a therapist.
If you’ve noticed unhealthy patterns in your past romantic relationships that you judge stemmed from earlier in your life, go and work on those patterns or triggers at the source (e.g. address whatever unfinished emotional business you may have with your parents).

5. Live in the moment

What is good in your life right now without this person? How do you make yourself happy every day? What about doing more of the things you feel happy with or less things which are draining you.

6. Find happiness in small things

How to do this? Start with noticing: From the physical sensations that you notice in your body right now, which sensations do you find to be pleasant? Stay present with those.
As you look around and as you listen right now, what do you find to be beautiful or interesting or curious? Pause there for a moment and keep noticing that.  

7. Remember time tends to help

You might not believe that one day you will feel far less of a pull towards that (ex-)partner yet, in most cases, that will happen—eventually. Life goes on. You will have other experiences and connections, maybe new relationships. One day you’ll notice: I haven’t thought about them much lately. I no longer remember the details of their faces. I don’t miss them much anymore.

Well, those are some of my ideas. Maybe they don’t work for you and you have something else that works. I’m not saying this is easy. I am saying, though, this is doable.

And I have some questions for you:

Have you had a relationship where drama was a daily part of life?
Have you seen a friend or relative in a relationship which you judge was not healthy for them?
What advice or support would you give to them?
Would you give that same advice to yourself? 

Have you ever been “head over heels” with someone who wasn’t compatible with you?
How did you leave that relationship behind? Or did you?

Love,
Tuulia (& Pete) ❤️