What the heck are relationship agreements?

I love talking about Relationship purposes (having a vision of what the purpose of our relationship is) and Relationship agreements.

I find the drafting, talking, agreeing and writing final wording down a connecting and clarifying experience. This process helps me to feel safe and grounded in my romantic relationship with Pete.

For me it is like “These are the priorities for us and what we count each other for”.

This all stemmed from a wish from both of us to be very clear about what we want from the other, what we can count on from the other, what we want from the relationship, and what is important to us. Every ten months or so, we repeat this routine.

So:
How do we write the relationship agreements?

We begin by each taking a pen and a sheet of paper and answering in writing the question: “What is the purpose of our relationship?” This 2-3-sentence long statement describes how we each make it important to be together and how this relationship enriches our lives. ✍️

In other words, what we have and inspire to keep and develop in our relationship. Words like fun, adventure, love, mutual growth, support, and peace tend to be part of our statements.

We then each read our individual statement aloud to the other and discuss what we heard. We talk about what aspects or sentiments or words sounded similar and what sounded different between our two statements.

Then, from the notebook, we read aloud our previous entries about the purpose of our relationship. We discuss what sounded similar or dissimilar between what we wrote in the past and what we wrote on this occasion.

Next, on our own sheet of paper, we each write headlines of topics that we make important to each of us. For example: family time, relationship time, money, sex, attractions towards other people, mutual support and communication when apart.

We then read aloud to the other the headlines of topics that we each had written down. ✍️

Under the headlines, we add a few bullet points that we want covered in this subject. We try to make these as clear and practical as possible. For example, under the heading: “Attractions towards other people,” I have written: “Whenever possible, we first share to each other an attraction we have to someone else before we express that attraction to the person in question.” And “We do not have sexual contact with other people.“

Under the heading “Communication when Apart,” I wrote: “We are in touch at least once a day when we are apart, ideally before the afternoon.” This was a more important point to me than for Pete and I felt good spelling this out. I like being clear: this is what I want.

After we both have written our headlines and sentences underneath we read our texts out loud.
And we share what is arising for us about what we shared and heard.

Then we have a conversation about each point and change some headlines to reflect similar points we both had.
When it’s all done we tend to compare our text to earlier agreements.
I find that pretty interesting! How some things seemed so important earlier and now they are not in our minds and how some new topics have arisen.

For us a rhythm of revising relationship agreements is 10 months. Somehow a full year feels too long and most times we have not felt the urge yet at 6 months.

Why we do this?

We want to spell out clearly what we agree on and find a solution which is good for both on topics we don’t agree on.

I feel more safe and clear having agreements with Pete. ❤️

For me the process is also a moment to reflect on what is important to me right now and share that with my partner. Sometimes things come up which I did not expect.

I also find our time writing the agreements and agreeing on them powerful. This is us having a vision of what we want for our lives and what we want from each other and what we are willing to give.

And why am I writing to you about the relationship agreements?
One of the Honesty Europe community members asked what are the relationship agreements Pete and I talk about.

And I want to share this practice we have developed for us with you in case you find it useful for your life.

I think this process of making agreements also works well for families, friends and teams.

I have made some more simple agreements with some friends like we can talk about anything, we are allowed to cancel meetings if we are tired or don’t feel like meeting and we can rely on each other for help and support in hard times such as listening or cleaning.

Check out here a video I made about the power of making clear agreements

Do you have clarity with your partner what you can count each other for?
Have you told your partner what you want from them in your relationship?

Do you know what your closest friends expect from you and what you expect from them?

PS: Few days ago I wrote about Pete’s and my Six tips for healthy and juicy relationships. In case you missed it you can read it here 

Love,
Tuulia (& Pete) ❤️